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People naturally expect the highest level of intimacy in their romantic relationships. There are different types closenessthe main ones are physical and emotional. When we hear about affairs and cheating, the violation of physical intimacy immediately comes to mind. That is, the cheating partner had physical relations with someone other than their partner.
The breakdown of emotional intimacy in a relationship can be just as damaging as the breakdown of physical intimacy. Both are serious threats to relationships. In the study, participants were asked to rate various cheating behaviors. “Forming a deep emotional connection” with someone else ranked 11th on a list of about 30 cheating behaviors.
Emotional cheating That’s what it is – forming a deep emotional connection with someone who is not your romantic partner. It damages both the partner and the relationship, leading to serious erosion of trust, loyalty and respect.
Emotional relationships (EA) and friendship
You can be friends with someone of the opposite sex and not have a deep emotional connection with them. Of course, there’s a certain level of intimacy to any friendship, but it’s usually in a safe zone. If the friendship deepens and intimacy grows, there comes a point where it can become an EA.
Unlike friendship, EA is characterized by a high level of emotional closeness and closeness. When you’re in EA, you do things with your EA partner that you should do with your romantic partner. Unlike friendship, which is usually secondary to a primary relationship (PR), an EA partner becomes your “main thing” to which you devote most of your time and energy.
| Aspect | Friendship | Emotional work |
|---|---|---|
| Limits | Healthy, transparent boundaries that respect PR | Boundaries are blurred or crossed |
| Confidentiality | Partners usually know about a friend | Relationships are often hidden or downplayed with a partner |
| Emotional intimacy | A little present, but not bigger than its partner | Greater than or equal to partner |
| Addiction | Supportive, but not overly trusting of a friend | Strong emotional trust, turning to them first instead of a partner |
| An investment of time | Time together is openly integrated into life | Excess or hidden time for messages, calls or meetings |
| Romantic tones | No | Present, implied or developing |
Steps
1. Primary relationship (PR) breakdown
Usually, the seeds for an emotional relationship are sown where there is a breakdown in PR. This disorder can occur for several reasons. Common ones:
- Unmet emotional needs
- A sense of self-acceptance
- Conflict
- Dissatisfaction
- Loneliness
- Boredom
A person is either no longer able to satisfy their emotional needs in PR, or they are unable to satisfy them at a high level, as in the honeymoon phase. This creates an emotional void within them, which they then seek to fill through EA.
Note that this is a common but not the only reason why people have emotional affairs. If an EA occurs, it’s likely due to a combination of factors.
Another major factor in emotional infidelity is the personality of the cheating partner. Certain personality types are more likely to cheat, such as:
- Having an insecure attachment style
- High openness to new experiences
- High extraversion
- Lack of conscientiousness
- Low consent
- Narcissism
- Psychopathy
Spousal value is important
Finally, I would like to touch on a major factor that is often overlooked because it damages the ego of the victims of emotional relationships. They don’t like to hear it, so professionals rarely write or talk about it.
Even if your relationship has a healthy level of emotional intimacy, your partner could still develop an EA with someone they perceive as better than you.
In other words, the EA partner’s total spousal value may be perceived by your partner as higher than yours. People are selfish and want the best for themselves, even if what they have is good. Grass is it greener on the other hand, the phenomenon which is the main feature of human nature also affects it.
2. Small distraction
The consequence of a breakdown in PR is an emotional disconnect. Initially, there is light and thin emotional disconnection. Subtle, but noticeable. Apparently, because romantic relationships achieve a high level of emotional intimacy when things are going well. Any small change in it will be noticeable. You can feel it when your partner pulls away from you emotionally.
You will notice that your partner’s attention, time and energy have decreased a bit. Some diversion of resources occurs because the partner begins the process of trying to satisfy their emotional needs elsewhere. Before your partner can devote their emotional resources to someone else, they need to be emotionally and psychologically disconnected from you. You can feel it off.
3. “Friend”
Of course, the “friend” finally shows up. Even if you ignore the small distraction from the previous stage, telling yourself that the relationship is stale or that your partner is somehow “testing” you, you can’t ignore this friend. If you are in doubt, your partner will claim that they are “just friends”. But you can almost feel that friend vying for your partner’s attention, time, and energy. It hasn’t happened in a big way yet, but you can feel it. Small distractions add up.
If you’re constantly going back and forth trying to figure out if this friend is really just a friend, they’re not. A normal friend will not put you on an emotional rollercoaster. If it was just a friendship, your partner or that friend wouldn’t have done anything to shake your calls even a little bit.
Our minds don’t detect the red flags for nothing. Alway pay attention to any and every little red flag. It may be a false alarm, but it still provides important information.
4. Big distraction
Everything becomes clear when a slight diversion of the partner’s resources becomes large. You no longer doubt everything. The writing is on the wall. Your partner has an EA. You may be tempted to ignore, deny, or minimize your ego to protect it. But it’s time to face the truth.
Your partner has replaced you with someone else to satisfy their emotional needs. Their EA partner in their minds constant. They are:
- Constantly talk about their EA partner
- Have lunch and dinner with them
- Meet more often than ever
- Find an excuse to meet
The stronger the emotional connection between them and their EA partner, the greater the need for privacy. Passwords are changed, conversations are deleted. When you see them with their EA partner, you can definitely see the guilt in their eyes. That awkward silence around you, as if saying anything will expose the affair.
Highly manipulative people may go to great lengths to hide their emotional affairs. They act normal, even show you affection as if nothing happened. They say the “friend” is emotionally invested, they’re not, but they laugh. Placing the blame for intimacy on EA’s partner and minimizing their own guilt. But their tricks will not work on you because you will feel that things have changed dramatically.
5. EA > PR
At this point, EA takes over PR. Your partner sees EA as more important than PR. They see their EA partner as more valuable and better suited to their goals and needs than you. Unfortunately, the opposite of appreciation is devaluation. Your partner may compare you negative to their EA partner. It may have started at an earlier stage, but it may intensify now. They belittle, disrespect, hurt or even insult you.
They need to justify the work to themselves and reduce the guilt. So by disrespecting and abusing you, they can:
“Look, you’re so mean, you deserve to be insulted. I’ve done a good job by replacing you with my EA partner.”
6. Future
Amidst all the hurt, disrespect, and insults, your partner begins to envision a future with an EA partner. They start making plans for the future with an EA partner. They may even be planning to leave you. This is a dangerous situation because you never know when the ax will fall on a relationship. Or to you!
When you’re sure your partner is having an emotional affair, gather evidence as quickly as possible and leave them. Start packing your bags as soon as the abuse begins. You don’t deserve any of it.
7. Divorce
There are problems in any relationship. People solve them and grow from them. Problems often improve romantic relationships. However, emotional relationships are not the only problem. This is not a hiccup in the relationship. This is a serious sign that things have gone dangerously out of hand. Any betrayal should not be forgiven. It’s not a mistake, it’s a choice.
Perhaps forgiveness is possible when there is a true partner apologizes. But the partner who emotionally cheated on you has lost so much respect for you that they are unable to sincerely apologize. I have heard countless stories of people regretting forgiving their partners. Someone who cheats on you once will do it again. Unfortunately, I have also heard stories of people who lost their lives because they ignored, ignored, or forgave their partner’s infidelity.
If your partner is emotionally disconnected from you and is attached to someone else, the harsh reality is that you are nothing more than an obstacle in their way. And if you’ve read even a little bit of human history and/or true crime, you know that people can take extreme measures to overcome their inhibitions.
