Physical Address
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
The holidays are filled with promises of “brightness” and “joy.” It’s a time of universal meaning for millions of people, and I’d argue that this sense of connection is a big part of what makes the season somehow magical. Still, for many, the winter months don’t always live up to their cozy reputation. Over the years, studies and surveys show that people are experiencing more and more stress and loneliness. For example, in 2025 AARP learning40% of adults over 45 report feeling lonely. Major holiday stressors include grieving a loss or losing a loved one and giving holiday gifts.
Many cannot go home to see their loved ones. Others are surrounded by herds of relatives and still feel a sense of isolation. Whatever your situation, it’s not uncommon to feel lonely during these months. Homecoming can stir up emotions we may have swept under the rug or not even been aware of. We often return to settings where a lot of complex memories have occurred. Some may be joyful, while others may be painful.
Many children feel lonely or alienated during their developmental stage. In many homes, children are seen by their parents or early educators as good, bad, sharp, slow, difficult, anxious, hopeless, or striving for greatness. These labels and expectations can consciously and unconsciously harm us throughout our development. When we return to those childhood environments or people we grew up with, sometimes we feel like children again inside, re-experiencing old feelings or not feeling like ourselves. Dr. Dan Siegel calls this phenomenon “getting lost in familiar places.” This vulnerability is all the more reason to show compassion to ourselves and be wary of the old familiar ways we think about ourselves. With that in mind, here are a few strategies to help you stay afloat at the end of the year and into the year ahead.
- Stop expecting perfection
Most of us tend to have a picture in our head of what the ideal holiday should look like. We expect it to be as perfectly polished as the shiny ornaments that surround us. An angry meeting naturally depresses us to a certain extent. This is especially observed in children. After Thanksgiving, my nieces admitted to feeling a little down after our family’s annual festivities. Thanksgiving is a big deal in our house. We dress up and our extended family celebrates a wedding or a gala. The whole day brings a lot of happiness, but a lot of it is in the preparation: cooking together, setting the table, putting up a big tent in our yard. After that, the children felt that the evening had passed too quickly. As wonderful as everything was, it didn’t quite satisfy the excitement they felt.
This is a feeling that many have, from gifts to communication with family members. “Maybe old wounds will finally heal and we will only feel warmth and love.” We have this fantasy that everything is going smoothly, which makes us even more crushed when bumps in the road appear. Try to enjoy the little things without stressing over things that you can’t control or that have little to do with the life you’ve created for yourself at the moment.
- Stop evaluating
The end of the year is a time for reflection. We can feel the natural sadness that comes with our losses and gains. However, there is a fine line between self-reflection and self-evaluation. It’s one thing to be interested in our year and to be curious about any future changes. It’s one thing to beat ourselves up for our shortcomings and judge ourselves like a cold critic scrutinizing a performance.
With so many social gatherings, it’s easy to start comparing ourselves to others:
Everyone is in a relationship. Why are you still single? This is so humiliating!
Look how successful it is. You will never have a significant career.
He is so together. You are very messy.
You don’t fit in anywhere. You are just different.
These “critical inner voices” form an ongoing dialogue that reinforces the core belief that we are not good enough. This inner critic makes us feel worthless and different from others in some negative way. It encourages us to be alone, then belittles us for being alone. It constantly reminds us that we are unworthy of the life we want, alienates us from those we value, and contributes to our loneliness.
Get to know this inner critic, because the more we can separate ourselves from the destructive point of view, the better off we are. As this inner critic begins to form in our lives based on the ways we see it in our families, expect it to be a little louder as we enter past settings. Be determined in your mission to ignore this cruel trainer and do not listen to his terrible advice. Remember, it is not representative of who you are and only works to sabotage you.
- Spend time with your chosen family
During the holidays, you may have to spend time with some people who do not feel well. Whether you choose to do so or not, taking some time to be with your chosen family is valuable. It can be your friends, children, partner, or a close group that makes you feel good and helps you feel more connected to yourself. Make time for the people, places, and activities that make you feel the most, those that make you laugh, think, or feel meaningful to you.
- Volunteer
If you’re far from people you care about or feel disconnected, look for scenes where you’re sharing something, even with strangers. Volunteering is one of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re feeling down. It forces you to think outside of yourself and share the project with others. Think of a cause that is important to you and take some time to be a part of it. Generosity offers a natural way to feel good about ourselves. Also, being part of a team instantly creates a sense of camaraderie over a shared concern.
- Stay in the moment even when it hurts you
Sometimes it takes being in a room full of people to feel alone. No matter how many people we bring to the party, each of us is our own unique individual, living and breathing ourselves. We all have moments when we feel deeply alone. When we think about our presence, we can expect it to stir us up. The sense of time passing that can come with the end of a year is always an exciting concept.
Not every moment is full of joy, and even those that are happy can carry with them a certain bitterness that makes life worth living. The New Year reminds us of the past years. It shines a light on the faces of those we have lost. It tells us that we are older, perhaps wiser, and more aware that we cannot control time. We don’t have to drown in this feeling. Whatever we feel, we better let ourselves feel. Grief can come in waves, and when it passes, we are often left with a sense of peace and vitality. When we try to drown it out, we also make ourselves indifferent to the many pleasures that life brings.
Often we distract ourselves from these deep feelings by preoccupying our minds with worries or critical inner voices. When a negative thought starts flying like a deflated balloon, try not to get carried away with it. Gently bring yourself back to the moment. Then focus outward. Think about what you can offer; it gets you out of your head.
Staying in the moment doesn’t relieve us of feelings of sadness or loneliness, but it encourages us to practice patience and self-compassion. It helps us to feel what is happening in our life. If we feel that our inner critic is pulling us into self-destructive behavior, we can shift our focus back to what is important to us. We can take actions that reconnect us with our experiences and the people around us. We can open our eyes to the possibilities and consciously create a celebration that means something to us.
