We spend a third of our lives at work, and it’s good if we enjoy it. But I’ve worked at places where I hated every minute of it and cried every morning before leaving. One boss was bad. He would change the goalposts of projects, deny or insist that he sent information, lie about deadlines, and tell me that I was too sensitive when I spoke. Only now did I realize that he was the head of the gaslighter.
Here’s what other bosses say when they gaslight you.
Phrases that the Gaslighting Boss will say
What is gas lighting and why is it so deadly at work?
We know gas lighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to challenge your own sense of reality. Gas lighting at work especially deadly. It reduces productivity, destroys self-esteem, destroys relationships with colleagues and has a devastating effect on mental health.
A recent survey found that 58% of 3,033 people had experienced gaslighting at work. So how do you know if your boss is gaslighting you?
Chris Kerridge is an employee engagement specialist at MHR Global. According to him, gaslighting is not as obvious as bullying, and this is problematic.
“A lot of times (gaslighting) can be so subtle that some people don’t even know it’s happening until they stop and think about it, so it happens a lot.”
You can see the head of the gas lamp with the following phrases:
They lie about what they say.
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“I never said that.”
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“I already told you…”
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“You must have forgotten.”
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“You didn’t follow my instructions.”
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“You have it wrong.”
These are classics gaslighting phrasesdesigned to challenge your memory. You question your memory.
“Did I hear them right?” “Maybe I remembered wrongly.”
How to answer:
If you have evidence that your gaslighter is lying, you can show them, for example, an email or text message. But manipulators of this type are smart. They rarely slip and leave evidence.
If proof is lacking, say, “My memories are different,” then move on. Don’t explain or justify yourself. That’s exactly it what your boss wants.
They mean that you are very sensitive.
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“I was just kidding.”
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“You are very sensitive, calm down.”
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“Don’t take it too personally.”
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“Where’s your sense of humor?”
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“You need a thicker skin to work here.”
This is your gaslighter boss trying to avoid misbehavior. They hold you accountable for their actions. It’s not that their jokes are offensive; you can’t take a joke.
How to answer:
There is a lot of advice on social media these days engage in offensive jokes or misogynistic comments. If you force the criminal to explain their joke, the responsibility goes back to them. Now they have to step into the limelight and explain their disgusting comments.
They tell you to calm down.
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“You really need to calm down.”
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“You look very emotional right now.”
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“You’re always blowing things out of proportion.”
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“I’m worried about you. You’re all over the place.”
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“I think you need a break. It looks like you can’t do this.”
It’s no wonder you get emotional when your boss gaslights you. But instead of listening to your concerns, they trivialize your feelings with the above phrases. It makes you feel more emotional and it “proves” their point.
How to answer:
Your gasliner boss wants a reaction. The more hysterical and dramatic, the better. They pay attention to your behavior because it distracts people from their behavior. Remember, you can’t help your feelings and therefore they are justified. Address their indifference with the following words:
“You should pay attention to what I say, not how I say it.”
They call you crazy.
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“You’re crazy.”
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“Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”
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“You’re crazy.”
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“You’ve lost the plot.”
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“You are unstable.”
These gaslighting phrases are straight out manipulator playbook. They want to throw you off balance and make you question reality. You doubt your memory. Did you say that? Did this really happen? Suddenly, you’re not sure anymore.
How to answer:
When a gaslighter boss calls you crazy, they’re setting up an excuse to make you question yourself. Now that you understand that they are playing mind games, record all the conversations and actions. That way, when they drive you crazy, you can challenge their lies.
They make fake apologies.
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“I’m sorry, you’re crazy.”
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“If I did something wrong, I apologize.”
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“I’m sorry if you got the wrong impression.”
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“I’m sorry, but…”
Instead of owning up to their toxic behavior, the gaslighting boss suggests fake sorry. In their opinion, that was the end of the matter. They just want to draw a line under the situation so they can move on to the next one.
How to answer:
There are many different opinions about How to deal with fake apologies. You can accept the apology and move on, or you can challenge it. For example,
“I accept your apology, but I will not tolerate any more of this behavior.” Or: “Don’t apologize for how I feel, apologize for what you did.”
How to deal with a gaslighting boss
1. Gaslighting at work is harassment
Any type annoyance at work is against the law. Because gaslighting is insidious and not easily detected, it is important to document incidents. Keep records of text messages, emails, or gaslight records with dates and times. Once the evidence is recorded, you can get help or file a complaint.
2. Find support inside or outside the company
Find out if the company has an HR department, a social worker, a consultant or a union. If they don’t, do you have a senior colleague you trust and confide in?
If the resources are not available within the company, you may need to look externally. For example, support lines dealing with workplace issues or legal assistance. You can also visit your doctor for mental health support.
3. Talk to family and friends
A friend of mine was turned on at work a few years ago. He was severely depressed, fired, and suffered from nervous anxiety. She was sitting in my house crying. We looked at her options: continue sick leave, go to HR, file a complaint, etc. She said it made her feel a little better to be able to talk and know someone was there to support her.
Final thoughts
Gaslighting at work can have a devastating effect on you. The daily toll of working in a toxic environment not only damages your self-esteem, but also makes you doubt your abilities, makes you feel isolated, and can lead to depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.
Now that you know what it looks like, I hope you can get the help you need.
References:
Sub-editor and staff writer at Studying the mind
Janey Davies has been publishing online for over 10 years. She suffered from panic disorder for over 30 years, which led her to study psychology at the Open University and obtain an Honors degree. Janey uses her concerns to provide support and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
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