One of the most common causes of tension between divorced or divorced parents, it’s not money that surprises most people. Arguments often involve one spouse saying there isn’t enough, the other saying they’re paying too much, and disagreements about what the money they have should be spent on and by whom, the latter being a particularly hot topic among parents.
Such hostility does not exist in a vacuum and can reverberate throughout families, negatively impacting relationships between parents, their relationships with their children, and potentially their relationships with extended family. Also, what often comes with a fight is emotional stress it manifests itself physically.
The worst? Disputes over financial decisions usually leads to impasses that may require court intervention rather than resolution, which costs more money—money that could be spent on whatever the parents are fighting for in the first place. If this dynamic sounds familiar, and you want to stop the unproductive, destructive conversations, here are my suggestions based on my years as a family attorney and guardian on how to do it.
Stick to the numbers, not the history
The great thing about numbers is that they don’t lie. If you only go by the numbers and not the history between you and your ex or how you got to those numbers, you can start living in the here and now, not in the past you two shared. These intentions and clouds leave one in a position to solve the problems at hand without emotional turmoil decision making.
If you don’t have the numbers to back up what you’re fighting for, gather as many as you can so they speak for you. Ask your ex to do the same so you can understand their position. Depending on where you are in the divorce process, this may mean seeking help from a family law attorney, perhaps a financial professional.
Calculate children’s expenses
After you are legally separated and begin divorce proceedings, you and your ex’s attorneys (or the court) will usually draft a temporary court order that outlines how you and your ex-spouse will manage and divide the costs of the children until the divorce is finalized. The final order may be the same as your provisional order or may change later depending on circumstances that arise after it is created. It is important to comply with the interim order because it is a legally binding document and the court will not look favorably on those who violate it.
Keep communication short, to the point, and documented
Any conversations you and your ex have about money, including your plan, should be in writing. If they are verbal, it still is wise document those conversations, detail the circumstances that led to them, the date, what you and your ex discussed, and what happened afterward.
Fast fingers when it comes to typing? Consider emails, which tend to slow people down a bit due to their formal nature, or better yet, use one of the family court-preferred divorce apps that promote record-keeping, communication, and transparency between parents.
If you and your ex disagree, bring in a neutral party
No matter where you are in your divorce journey, whether you are starting it for the first time or are post-divorce, there is divorce support available for you. Financial situations, such as a layoff, unexpected expenses, or the introduction of a new significant other into the mix, can all suddenly affect an ex’s ability or willingness to pay, even if they agreed to a plan.
If this is the case, this is not the time to take matters into your own hands. Continue to manage your account and consider engaging a neutral third party. The involvement of a third party does not necessarily increase to involve a judge to decide the matter.
Instead of going to court, you and your ex-spouse (if they want to) can go to a mediator to help you resolve any disagreements, problems, or modification of your order. In some cases, the court will require the parties to try mediation before going to court. Any permanent changes must be made in writing. If mediation is unsuccessful, you and your attorney can discuss going (or back) to court to resolve the issues.
Leave your children out of discussions about money
One of the easiest, but most important, ways to reduce the stress of financial decisions is to keep your children out of them. Young kids don’t seem to understand the complicated financial dynamics, but what they do hear is that mom or dad wouldn’t pay for a ballet class or summer camp without understanding why. These are words that damage the relationship between parents and children.
Regardless of how you feel about your ex-spouse’s decision-making, whether or not they’re breaking your agreement just because they don’t want to abide by it, your children should be. left out of the fight. This applies to all children, even older ones teenagers or young adultswho “seems to be done.” They don’t because it’s personal. They can’t.
The good news and the bad news is that money disputes are often temporary, especially when resolved immediately. However, emotions related to finances are similar to curiosity and can quickly add up – forcing you, your ex, and your children to pay a price that can never be calculated in dollar amounts.
