Last week I did an intensive and worked with a young woman whose life was changed because of the story I shared with her.
Although they discuss childhood Experiences are not the goal of my work with couples during intensive training, Sharon talked a lot about how she was brought up. To say he had a hard time would be an understatement. Both her parents were drug addicts and failed to raise or protect their 6 children properly. As is often the case in dysfunctional families, the children “raised each other.”
Sharon shared it with her parents divorced he was 6 and while his mother was working on getting sober, his father was addicted to heroin. Nevertheless, he was sent to visit his father’s house regularly.
Other addicts were hanging out when his father often visited his home. One of these men, according to Sharon, sexually assaulted her. This happened several times. In addition, Sharon admitted that her brother sexually abused her for 4 years and that he would hurt her if she told anyone. He never did.
As Sharon recounted the events, she wept as she explained how she felt shame and disgusting because he allowed these things in his life. Even though the abuse happened so long ago, the feeling of self-loathing was everywhere. She believed she had to stop the abuse somehow.
I reminded Sharon that she was just a little girl when the abuse happened and that it wasn’t her fault; his parents had to protect him. Today a wonderful protector of three young children, she agreed, but she still couldn’t help but feel that her possessions had been tampered with.
It was then that I realized I should tell him a story about a client I worked with many years ago.
This client told me that she lives alone and is a runner; every day at the same time he would run down the same road.
One day he came back to his apartment after a run and the door closed behind him. A masked man was standing with a knife in his hand. He realized in an instant that he might be raped, but he was determined to get out of the situation alive. Indeed, the man raped her, but when he was distracted for a moment, she slipped out of his grasp and ran naked across the street to a neighbor’s house.
The neighbor gave him some clothes and called the police. The police came and questioned him about what happened. This woman calmly and carefully described what happened.
The policeman, seeing her calmness, said, “Ma’am, I don’t understand. You’ve just been stabbed and raped, and you’re telling me this story so calmly. How is that possible?”
His answer completely changed my mind traumatic experiences. Here’s what he told the police: “You don’t think I’m going to let this ruin 15 minutes of my life?”
Rape did not ruin her life. For years, she volunteered at the Rape Crisis Center, supporting other victims. He was proud of her endurance and wanted to share his perspective with others.
I looked at Sharon’s face when I told her the story. His eyes burned. He smiled. His body relaxed. I hoped that this story of resilience would begin to sink into Sharon’s mind.
The next day, Sharon began the session by saying that a huge burden had been lifted. According to her, she felt dirty and unworthy all her life. But hearing this story, he was relieved. Sharon told me that she looked in the mirror that morning and liked what she saw for the first time.
Perhaps as you read this story and how my client responded to that despicable behavior that day, you may be thinking: “Is he in? rejection?” “Won’t he get over it eventually? PTSD If he doesn’t dig deep into what happened?” “Don’t be a victim sexual crimes take years therapy to heal their souls?”
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I get it. I had time career I would have thought the same thing.
But after decades of working with people, I’ve learned that everyone is different and how we deal with life experiences varies greatly.
How ridiculous to believe that everyone has to go through the same process to heal. How wonderful to know that the meaning we place on our experiences is more important than the experiences themselves.
As this young couple left intensive care, the woman hugged me, she squeezed me so hard that I gasped. I had to fight back tears because I realized it feeling behind his arms.
