My wife recently told me a story that I can’t get out of my head.
His close friend works as a waiter in a restaurant. Hardworking, good person. One evening he made a mistake at a table for seven. He served six dishes and one had to wait a while.
One of those seven people went home, wrote a one-star review, and got a special name for it.
The owner saw this and was told that he would no longer be allowed to work as a waiter. His salary was cut. It was moved to the kitchen.
A single negative review has destroyed someone’s livelihood.
I know it’s not uncommon. But I still get angry every time I hear it.
My personal experience with it
My books have over 30,000 reviews on Amazon. If you scroll through the one-star reviews and read what some people have written, you’ll find some solid stuff.
If I read a book I don’t like, I put it down and move on. In fact, many are.
But some people have a tendency to let others know that they don’t like something. And they can be very unpleasant.
I also dealt with this in my courses. People who purchased the course and then filed a dispute with the credit card company flagged the purchase as fraud without ever contacting me.
This is a daily reality for anyone who offers a product, service, or puts their work out into the world.
Whether you’re a small operator or dealing with thousands of customers every day, you’re bound to encounter downsides.
It’s just part of the game.
There are a lot of unhappy people out there
If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant, store, or customer-facing role, you already know this.
My uncle worked in the hospitality industry for nearly twenty years. The stories I have heard from him are truly incredible.
Some people look for reasons to complain and cause drama.
Arthur Schopenhauera German philosopher who spent a lifetime studying human nature warned us years ago not to pay attention to these types of people. He wrote:
“When we become aware of the superficiality of their thoughts, the narrowness of their views, and the multitude of their mistakes, we gradually become indifferent to what is going on in other people’s minds.
To care too much about what unhappy people think of you is to give them honor that they have not earned.
Most negative criticism doesn’t come from people who want to help you improve.
It comes from people who are frustrated with their lives and have found a safe outlet.
The anonymity of the Internet makes it even easier. The review culture makes it acceptable.
If you are faced with such a negative situation, do not take it personally. It was never about you.
What the Stoics said
Marcus Aurelius dealt with critics, enemies, and people who tried to undermine his entire reign. His answer was consistent: focus on what you can control and ignore the rest.
He wrote in his personal journal:
“Understand that you have power over your mind, not external events, and you will find strength.”
The Stoic framework is applicable here. Criticism is an external phenomenon. You cannot control what other people think or say about you.
You can’t control what your boss does with it. You can’t control whether or not an angry person decides to spend their evening trying to hurt you.
What you can control is your response.
And most importantly, your personality.
Who you are is not defined by what a stranger says about you on the internet.
If you have the right values and good intentions, you have nothing to fear. Just do what you do and ignore the hate.
Don’t give them the power to figure you out
Schopenhauer made a distinction that I found very useful. He separated what a person was from what others thought of him.
He emphasized that the real existence of a person is not in the opinion of other people, but in himself.
Schopenhauer put it this way:
“The main and true existence of each man is not in the opinion of others, but in his own skin; therefore the true conditions of our private life are a hundred times more important to our happiness than what others are pleased to think of us.”
Your health. Your relationship. Your work. Your character. These things are true. Not a one star review.
The problem is that our minds do not naturally make this distinction. A bad review or criticism at work feels like an attack not just on what we do, but on who we are.
The Stoic practice of separating events from judgments is important here.
A review or critique is an event. Your interpretation is judgment. And you control the judgment.
What to actually do
Accept that some people will always be negative. This is not cynicism. It’s just the truth. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t try.
A person who tries to please everyone ends up pleasing no one, including himself.
Do your best and let it stand. A waiter who makes a mistake is still a good person doing a hard job.
A one-star review won’t change that. His colleagues know this. His regular customers know this. The comment says more about the person who wrote it than about him.
Whatever happens, don’t react angrily.
Responding to hate with your own hate only adds fuel. Silence is often the strongest response.
Finally, remember what Schopenhauer said about reason and criticism:
“The mind is invisible to the mindless.”
The people who leave the harshest criticism are almost always incapable of giving it.
They do not have the ability to understand what they are criticizing. This is not an excuse to dismiss all feedback.
Honest, constructive criticism from people who know what they’re talking about is invaluable.
This is one of the most important ways to improve yourself… listening to feedback from people who want the best for you.
But hateful, anonymous attacks from strangers are not feedback. They are noise.
Either way, ignore them.
