“I don’t want to hear it”

My friend Barbara asked, “Did I ever mention that crazy thing Camilla did at a college party?”

I took a moment to think before answering. Considering that Barbara laughing when she said that, I thought Camilla had done something stupid and harmless years before I knew her. However, I wasn’t sure.

I wondered if Camilla would be embarrassed or angry that I found out about this story or if she would find it funny. Do I have to tell Camilla what I know or who told me? Does knowing this information change my opinion of Camille or how much I trust her?

Considering I didn’t know the answers to these questions, I said, “Barb, I’d rather not hear that.”

“Come on, are you serious?” Barbara jumped back.

I quickly replied, “Yes, I really am.”

Disclosure and withholding of information

One of the basic realities of close relationships, whether with family, friends, neighbors or co-workers, is the need to choose what to say and what not to say to others. to make wise the choice to disclose or withhold information is often complex and one of the keys to developing and strengthening relationships. Often these choices make sense to us and help develop relationships.

Communication scholar Sandra Petronio (2002) developed a theory of communication privacy Management (CPM). Knowing CPM helps us understand that we have a sense of ownership of information about ourselves and others. This explains why we can feel violated when we learn that someone has told others information that should remain confidential. It is important to understand and choose wisely what information to disclose and when not to share.

There is another side to this situation: How do we react when someone tries to tell us something we may not want to know?? Obviously, the other person thinks it’s something we want to know or need to know. If we are in a close relationship, we should be willing to receive information that the other person(s) are willing to share, right?

Become a trusted person

Trustworthy people are expected to be trusted or information receivers (owners) (Petronio et al., 2022). Most of the time, we are right to choose a trusted person, especially if we have developed clear confidentiality requirements with that person. For example, we may think we need to discuss financial problems with our romantic partner, health with our parents, work problems with our boss, or good news such as winning an award with a friend.

Petronio (2002) explained that we establish privacy policy in relationships that help us decide what to share, with whom, and when. These rules can be clear and precise; however, sometimes they are not. For example, “Julio, I didn’t realize how difficult it was to talk about your health. What can I do or help?” Privacy may be compromised on purpose (we assume or know that this person does not want to discuss this information) or unintentionally (we didn’t realize that people would be harmed if this information was shared). Sometimes we don’t know there are privacy requirements until we violate them and realize the privacy policy needs to be changed.

While we usually expect to be trusted and privy to intimate relationships, this is not always the case. Petronio describes being a They don’t want to believein other words, an unwilling recipient of the information.

Sometimes we don’t expect junk information to come our way, like when my friend tried to tell me about Camille’s behavior at the party. Other times, we fear others may tell us things that are difficult or dangerous to know. Information may come to us indirectly, for example through a social networks to announce Sometimes we learn information when the other person speaks it before we understand what is going on.

Regardless of how and when information comes to us, we can find ourselves in the role of a reluctant confidant who must figure out how to react. For example, when adults brothers tells us them marriage broke up or they were abusive alcoholic beveragesknowing this information is potentially dangerous and the next steps are especially important. Should we share our discomfort with the leaker? Do we have to tell parents or other family members what is happening? Depending on what we choose to do, how should we balance being supportive, helping the parent fulfill their role, and not jeopardizing our relationship with one or both?

What are the options when we are drawn into the role of an unwilling confidant?

Opportunities to become an involuntary confidant

1. Development of privacy requirements and rules: How clear are you and others about what to reveal and what to keep secret? For example, you may come from an open family that discusses everything, and you’ll find that it’s hard for your more private romantic partner to feel uncomfortable when your mom asks when you’re planning to have kids. You may need to create or revise a privacy policy with your partner.

2. Avoid unnecessary information: When you foresee or hear something you don’t know about, there are a few options to avoid. You can try to change the subject, make a comment or gesture that shows your discomfort, make a gentle joke, refer the person to a professional, or even withdraw from the situation. Petronio (1999) called these prevention techniques to prevent a trusted person from disclosing information that could be dangerous to you or the discloser.

As a college professor, I reluctantly confided when a student whose paper was due for my class tomorrow started telling me that he had started working on a project last night. I stopped the student and said, “I want to help, and of course I will grade your paper. I suggest that you think carefully about what you want to know.”

3. Listening and Responding: Of course, if we feel the relationship is appropriate for disclosure, we can choose to seek or seek information, even if it is uncomfortable. Scientists study friends as unwilling confidants emphasized the importance of listening to determine how to provide support (McBride & Bergen, 2008). It is important to weigh the risks and benefits of being a fiduciary. Listening can be a gift to the people we care about, even if it’s dangerous. There are difficult situations that we jump in to help, even if the consequences are unpredictable.

4. Weighing the risks and benefits of a relationship: Before you choose to become a confidant or disclose, consider the potential risks to you and others. Of course, you always have the right to refuse to be a reluctant confidant, but there are certain risks to this choice, including the possibility of disappointing someone or damaging the relationship. Getting informed is always a responsible choice. No close relationship is immune to costs and premiums.

Ultimately, it is important that we have clear and flexible privacy policies in close relationships before we become owners of personal information or ask others to do so. Thinking about the information we want to share and receive and renegotiating privacy boundaries is central to healthy and rewarding intimate relationships over time.