Marie found herself at a crossroads. She had just turned 60 and her husband of more than 30 years asked for it break up. For many years, they prioritized Paul’s work while he took care of the household. He went to work in finance every day, while she took care of their three children and took care of the house. He worked part-time jobs here and there, but the emphasis was always on giving priority to his work career the first.
He thought about all their joint accounts and how he didn’t have any money he could set aside for himself even if he wanted to. To be honest, he didn’t even have a complete financial picture of their assets, because that was what Paul always managed. He knew they had a house and an investment property pension accounts. But when someone asks him what accounts or even how to access them, he doesn’t have the first idea. Now she was worried that she might find herself left out when it came to divorce, as she had seen several of her friends. She wondered how she could afford a divorce lawyer.
Marie’s story is not unique. In marriages and partnerships across the country and the world, money plays a central role in relationships. If partners are on the same page about money and can communicate with transparency and respect, their relationship will be stronger for it. But the opposite is also true: a lack of transparency can have a devastating effect on cooperation.
Research on money and marriage brings up several key topics between men and women, including financial issues managementconflict, power dynamics and gender norms. In many heterosexual marriages, how money is treated can contribute to unequal power dynamics in the marriage. As in Marie’s story above, the spouse who earns more may own more decision making power or think they should have more say in family finances because they make more money. Men are often socialized to manage finances or assert dominance over financial decisions, while women may feel pressured to defer control. (Betrand et al., 2015).
Ironically, such inequalities can affect the health of a marriage. One study found that money management practices have implications for inequality in living standards and access to personal spending.Vogler and Paul, 1994). For example, if women do not have the right to spend as much money because their husbands earn more or control money in their daily lives, this may affect their quality of daily life in relation to their spouses.
There is good news for couples who want to proactively build a healthy relationship with their finances as a couple. Research examining the relationship between financial transparency and trust shows that open communication about money and financial transparency is generally associated with higher relationship satisfaction (Dew and Stewart, 2012; Saxey and colleagues, 2022). In other words, couples who regularly discuss finances goalsbudgeting and spending have more confidence and less conflict with money.
Some studies show that younger generations are looking for more flexibility and equality in managing this dynamic. One research paper found that young couples prefer to pool their finances either partially or independently (Burgoyne et al., 2006). In other words, young couples preferred to keep their money independently or have some shared resources. But they preferred not to be fully involved in their financial affairs, as is usually the case with older generations. These deployments were found to support both autonomy and shared responsibility, as well as individual and collective goals. Fully integrated monetary systems have sometimes been found to maintain a facade of equality while concealing power imbalances, especially in couples with large income disparities. (Vogler and colleagues, 2006).
One article explores how young couples have instead opted for “mixed systems,” where some finances are shared and some are independent. This allows couples to retain some financial autonomy in their relationship while working together as a financial unit. Research supports that maintaining some financial autonomy in marriage is healthy and can increase financial satisfaction and gender equality over time. (De Henau and Himmelweit, 2013).
Studies looking at queer couples show less adherence to traditional gender roles. Some studies show that queer couples divide labor and finances more evenly than heterosexual couples. One queer woman explores this idea: “We have straight friends who never talk about[money]until suddenly they have to fight about it, and that’s something we don’t want to be involved in. I don’t know because we’re gay and in society we’re both not supposed to be breadwinners, but it’s a lot easier for us to discuss it than with our straight friends. (seems).Abdu, 2022).
Relationships are important reading
Queer couples can feel more free to create a framework to manage their finances as they see fit. In a sense, when the path is not marked, unusual couples build their own path together. There can be power in creating a financial future based on a couple’s values and desires for their lives and staying on track. While there is generally a more egalitarian power dynamic with queer couples, there can still be income disparities that affect the power dynamics. (Hall and colleagues, 2017). For example, one person may be the higher earner, which may influence financial decision-making power in the relationship. Similar to heterosexual relationships, this can create a power imbalance where one person feels entitled to have power over how and when money is spent.
Addressing income disparities through open communication and fair financial practices with all couples is key to promoting balance and avoiding power imbalances. One helpful place to start might be to reflect on your values around money as a couple. For example, do you value financial stability? Family? Education and knowledge? Travel and interest? Being on the same page with your financial values allows you to create a system that works for you and reflects those values.
