This Mother’s Day, many of us honor the mothers in our lives. For some, this may involve acknowledging those of us who are not parents in our village.
I recently remembered what building a village can be like in practice. My partner and his ex-wife have custody of his 14-year-old daughter (I’ll call her D). Recently, his ex-wife bought tickets to a mother-daughter dinner club scheduled for the week before Mother’s Day. When the inevitable work conflict arose, he offered me a ticket so I could get the D.
As someone who has spent more than two decades working with youth and studying positive youth development, I knew right away that this was not just a casual suggestion. I took it as a leap of faith.
Inclusion is important. It usually means being invited to the parenting area and saying, “I trust you and see you as part of this child’s support system” to show confidence in your child, whom you didn’t raise, but whom you care deeply about.
At a time when young people are experiencing alarmingly high rates lonelinessthese moments remind us of the concrete actions we can take in our adult lives. At its core, the current youth mental health crisis is a communication crisis. One in six people experience loneliness the highest figures among teenagers. In 2023, the US Surgeon General declared solitude a public health epidemic. And more than a third of young people recently said that loneliness bothers them everyday life In the United States.
Ten years of research show that young people, even those affected negative childhood experiences– do better if they have trusted adults in their lives. And we don’t just mean parents here: the kids need it adult network – teachers, coaches, trainers and extended family members such as aunts or uncles. They need people who show up in contexts, consistently, and over time. Research Adolescents with multiple non-parent supportive adults have been shown to have healthier mental health outcomes. self-esteemand perform better academically.
Parenthood has always demanded. What has changed are the networks that once supported parents/families. Raising children was never meant to be lonely. He relied on a community of relationships, from neighbors to relatives to teachers and community members, each of whom contributed in different ways.
In modern family structures, including blended families, these networks can be more complex. Co-parenting across households not easy. This requires adults to manage complex histories, potentially unresolved emotions, and other competing priorities while maintaining a shared focus on children. However, the research is clear collaborative parentsis defined by adults working together and communicating with each other respectfully, which helps the child maintain stability and develop social behavior. How adults work it can be as important as, and sometimes more than, the work each adult does individually. When the adults in a child’s life adjust, they all send a strong message to the child: you are loved and supported by many people.
Creating this kind of harmony requires a willingness to push ourselves out of our comfort zone. It means a deliberate choice cooperation and openness Letting others into your child’s life. These choices are expressed through small, consistent steps toward that goal. In this case, it was the act of inviting me to this supper club. This gesture said something powerful to D. That said, he has a network of adults in his life to support him. He modeled cooperation, consideration and trust.
Admittedly, this proposal was not about replacing parents or reducing primary contact. The parental relationship becomes central and irreplaceable. This approach was to extend support, recognizing that additional trusted adults can strengthen a child’s well-being.
Not all families have the conditions to make this choice easily. Structural problems, unresolved conflicts, and competing demands can make cooperation difficult. These facts should not be minimized. But when connectivity options are available, they are important.
It turns out that the dinner itself was canceled by the host. D’s mom texted me apologizing for the change and then sent me a nice invitation saying, “Maybe we can attend an upcoming event together this summer?”
This message was another subtle step in building the village we are talking about. It is through invitations, gestures of inclusion, and intentional coordination between adults that we communicate to the young people in our lives that support is not limited to single relationships, but distributed across networks. It is a safety net of trusted adults, sometimes imperfect, who step forward to share responsibility and build the village together.
