My wife, Shannon, and I absolutely love spring in the Northeast. New surprises are presented every day.
Wow, the spring frogs are starting to sing tonight!
Did you see the pink spot on the front porch today?
The goldies are back at the feeder – aren’t they so cute?
The rose bush I planted last year has started to bud!
But you know, not everyone takes the time to stop and smell the roses (metaphorically speaking). Let’s be honest, sometimes you have work to do and smelling the roses isn’t on the agenda.
The psychology of being present-oriented
Various studies have shown that a present-oriented approach to everyday life benefits (e.g., Rush & Grouzet, 2012). When it comes to how one uses one’s time, focusing on the present, as well as reporting a positive attitude toward being focused on the present, predicts various signs of health and well-being. So when someone tells you to stop and smell the roses, they are probably looking out for you and giving you helpful guidance.
Although there are conditions and times that require full attention attention (for example, an airplane pilot may not want to photograph cold clouds during flight), age if conditions permit wisdom Stopping to smell the roses, or trying to be present in the moment, is advice that fits the arguments for mindfulness and well-being.
Inconsistencies in attention to time in relationships
People differ in their attention to time (Rush & Grouzet, 2012). Some people focus more on the past than others. Some focus more on the present. And some are more focused on the future. And like most people personality variables, the way someone pays attention to time affects intimate relationships.
Imagine if you were completely “stop and smell the roses,” a present-oriented person, and your partner was very future-oriented—a classic task master. In such a situation, relationship dissatisfaction and conflict can arise, as is often true when partners differ on important psychological variables. Indeed, many studies have shown that similarity in attitudes and approaches to situations tend to go hand in hand with positive relationship outcomes (e.g., Rentzsch, 2022).
If you focus too much on the present and your partner focuses too much on the future, it’s easy to see how conflict can arise. For example, you and your partner might go to an art museum on the weekend. You pay close attention to the moment, reading every sign and paying close attention to the various details of the works you are excited to study. Meanwhile, your future-oriented partner may be far ahead of you. And after an hour, your future-oriented partner may start talking about traffic, how long it takes to cook dinner, etc., looking at his watch. If the spouses are not compatible with regard to the focus of time, stress and conflict arising from disagreement about how to approach time may be inevitable.
The bottom line
It’s not always possible to stop smelling the roses. But when it does, psychological research shows it’s a good thing. Not only will this increase your well-being, but your relationship will benefit if your partner can (or can learn to) focus on the present. And when you stop smelling the roses with your partner (and the dogwoods and daffodils and irises…), you’ll probably grow your garden of love along the way without even realizing it.
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I want to thank my wife, Shannon, who always makes me stop and smell the roses and helps shape the ideas included in this post.
