What is a toxic empath and what are its symptoms? Do you suspect that someone is a toxic empath, or are you worried that they might be? Can a toxic person be an empath? Same as toxic empathy? dark empathy?
Empathy is the ability to feel the feelings of another person; toxic empathy is the tendency to overrecognize another person’s feelings. As a result, you absorb their suffering and pain until it consumes you completely.
17 Signs of a Toxic Empath
When empathy is toxic
How sympathy will it become toxic? If we want to understand toxic empathy, let’s remind ourselves what empathy is. Psychotherapist Rebecca Love defines empathy as:
“…a state of being overly responsible and overly responsible for someone else’s emotional state, well-being, or problem-solving, to the detriment of your own relationships, self-care, and sense of peace.”
So what makes an empath a toxic empath? It’s recent learning is useful because it highlights four themes of empathy:
- Understanding
- Feeling
- Sharing someone’s feelings
- Keeping the distinction between self and other person
And it’s the last part that matters because empathy is toxic when you blur this border.
Signs You’re Dealing With Toxic Empathy:
- You feel an overwhelming and constant feeling of sadness and depression.
- You can’t focus on your own life because you’re so consumed by someone else’s feelings.
- You ignore your feelings or beliefs.
- You forgive someone for being completely absorbed in their feelings.
- You prove your worth by helping this person or solving their problems.
- You can ..; you can… never say no to this person, even for your well-being.
- You feel responsible for this person’s happiness.
- You have physical symptoms of stress (headaches, upset stomach, insomnia, etc.).
- You put your own needs on the back burner to put the other person first.
- You feel tired while doing the simplest tasks.
- When you take on more of another person’s struggles, you lose your autonomy; your boundaries blur.
- You insist on giving advice to their problems or uploading your own solutions.
- You resent the time this person took from you.
- You will suffer sympathy fatigue; You feel angry, rude, or indifferent to this person’s problems.
- They only call you when they want something.
- You normalize unacceptable behavior.
- You have become them scapegoat for anything wrong.
How to deal with a toxic empath
Use consequences, not boundaries
We hear the word “border” a lot dealing with toxic people. I like to use the term “consequences” instead. It’s the same thing, but it’s proactive rather than reactive. Boundaries are just a set of rules, but what if someone keeps breaking your rules?
Barb Nangle is a boundary coach and provides an insightful example of boundaries that I describe here:
Think of boundaries as a gated fence around your home, Nangle says. You are a home and behavior is acceptable within your walls; cannot be accepted outside. You decide who comes through the gate; it is your responsibility. You can’t expect other people to police themselves.
It’s the same as leaving the gate open and letting people come into your property and vandalize your house. You made the rules, but people ignored them. What do you do now?
You cannot control another person’s behavior by setting a few rules. However, setting consequences when they break the rules allows them to show what happens when a person’s behavior is unacceptable.
If someone does something you don’t like, you will give them consequences. You don’t just hope they change; It’s like leaving your gate open and hoping for the best. Results put you in control.
Examples of results
- Boundaries: Please keep your voice down when talking to me.
- Consequences: If you keep raising your voice at me, I will leave.
- Limits: You can borrow my car, but please replace the gas you use.
- Implications: I won’t let you borrow the car again if you don’t fill up the tank.
- Limits: Please don’t painful jokes about me at family events.
- Consequences: If you continue to make hurtful jokes about me, I will not participate in family activities.
- Boundaries: Please don’t question my parenting skills.
- Implications: When you give me junk advice, I don’t want to discuss it.
- Boundaries: You are rude to me when you drink. Please don’t talk to me like that.
- Consequences: I will not talk to you when you are drunk.
Did you notice that the examples of boundaries all use the pronoun “You” and the examples of consequences use “I”? “I…”, “I…”, “I can’t stand…” etc. This shows how active the consequences are. When you use “I,” you are in control. Using “you” gives the other person control. “You don’t do that…”, “You never do that…”, “You keep doing that…” You can’t control another person.
Why Consequences Stop Toxic Empathy
- They allow you to stop inappropriate behavior.
- They protect you feeling guilty.
- They prevent you from engaging in inappropriate behavior.
- They help others change their behavior.
- They keep you from getting into other people’s problems.
- They teach people to respect your decisions.
- They hold others accountable for their decisions.
- They prevent you from ignoring your needs.
- They hold people accountable for their actions.
- They help control the situation.
- The results allow for healthy growth, learning and mutual respect.
Final thoughts
Toxic empathy suggests that too much of a good thing can be detrimental to our well-being. However, setting consequences can help manage a toxic empath and allow you to be a compassionate person without harming your health.
Sub-editor and staff writer at Studying the mind
Janey Davies has been publishing online for over 10 years. She suffered from panic disorder for over 30 years, which led her to study psychology at the Open University and obtain an Honors degree. Janey uses her concerns to provide support and advice to others dealing with mental health issues.
