Jarel was in his senior year when he started get to know one who is outside the family faith. At first, his parents tried to stop him from the relationship, but he refused. He slowly began to draw boundaries with their parents, such as when they can visit and how long they can stay. Over time, they abdicated responsibility and blamed everyone but themselves – her partner, her therapist, anyone they believed had “influenced” her. They began to distance themselves and completely stopped communicating with him.
Their absence was palpable when they didn’t visit after the birth of her first grandchild, but the others’ response only added to her pain.
At first, people asked Jarel where his parents were and if they were planning to visit. The questions were awkward, but they made sense. But when his parents cut him off completely, something changed. Instead of dwelling on his parents’ absence, others began to question Jarel – what had happened, whether he had tried hard enough, what he might have done to make it through the distance.
Jarel always knew that his relationship with his parents was strained, but he hoped that they would show up at important moments. When they didn’t, he wondered if it was somehow their fault that they left him.
Abandonment survivors are often blamed for what was done to them
Abandonment doesn’t just happen childhood— it can also be in the form of being cut off or rejected by the family as an adult. Yet when it happens to adults, it’s easier to blame them because they must have caused it. If you relate to this, read on.
Some of these may come from extended families who don’t realize how their statements are inadvertently reinforcing the parent’s abandoning behavior. An uncle who tells you to “see it their way” or “But she’s your mother!” your cousin who shouts. may not understand the impact of their statements. Some may be closer: siblings or other family members may feel “in the middle,” which may make the victim feel like they’ve abandoned them.
Other statements may come from complete strangers, but their words can have the same effect on you. Insensitive comments online or from mutual friends can blame you for leaving. A social networks A post about “family is everything” or a coworker suggesting, “He’s your dad. Call him,” generally shows a lack of understanding and empathy for the situation.
Responding to others is only part of the challenge. The other part is internal: the shame, guiltand lack of self-confidence to hold back after repeated questioning. Over time, it can be difficult to separate the assumptions of others from your own sense of reality.
When such moments arise, it helps to stop and notice what you are feeling – is it sadness? angerrelief or confusion. Naming these reactions can make it easier to respond in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling defensive.
You may know the following points:
- “When I explain it, it makes me look like a problem.”
- “Why can’t I have a normal family?”
- “Am I overreacting?”
Having answers can help redirect misplaced blame
Most of these comments come from people who don’t fully understand the impact of parental abandonment. Their words can be bitter, even when they come from a place of good intentions and perhaps misunderstanding.
Of course, there will be those who take the full side of the person who left you or defend him. These are usually people who are interested in not seeing the person who abandoned their child. A parent who is gone gets a new spouse or has other children, for example, they may have to do the dirty work to protect them. In my experience, these are the most painful and often the most difficult to answer. However, it can be helpful to view them as self-interested masking the trauma. Unfortunately, this means they have an interest in denying the truth.
In most cases, I recommend avoiding people who refuse to validate your experience and choose to deny your reality. However, there may be times when you have to deal with them at large family gatherings, such as weddings or funerals.
In these cases, having a few ready-made responses can help reduce the impact of these interactions and avoid involving a false accusation.
Here’s what I recommend:
- “I’ve thought about it a lot and now I don’t want to blame myself for them leaving.”
- “Unfortunately, not all families are safe or supportive.”
- “I’m disappointed too, but it was their choice.”
- “I focus on the people who are here and supporting.”
Having some answers ready won’t take away the pain of feeling guilty about being dumped, but it can create enough psychological distance to protect your sense of reality and remind you that you’re not responsible for the end of the relationship.
This article is partially taken from my book Healing from parental abandonment and neglect.
