I wish I had a dollar for every time I opened the article Humans Are a Social Species. But I have to because that’s what most human behavior revolves around. Since humans are a social species, they have to make group life work. When you join a group, it appears as a separate entity from its members. The group becomes an organism with its own set of values and norms that members are expected to adhere to so that social harmony prevails and the group survives.
There are social norms for social cohesion. It is a set of rules that, over time and on average, have helped individuals and societies achieve their basic evolutionary goals of survival and reproduction. People who do not conform to social norms and mainstream are seen as outside groups. These contrarians exclude themselves from the group simply by thinking and behaving differently from the group.
Personality trait
Contradiction is a personality trait. Some people show a pervasive and persistent pattern of contradictory thinking and behavior. Thus, separate acts of opposition here and there do not constitute an oppositional personality. The following are the signs observed in oppositions:
- Constantly questioning everything
- Low consent
- Courage
- Low need for social validation
- Attention to detail
- Low sensitivity to impact
- High tolerance for conflict
Motives
Several psychological factors of conflict should be noted:
1. The need for autonomy
Why does a person have a greater need for autonomy than usual? Usually, this is an overcompensation for past threats to autonomy. Most likely their parents restrictive and controlling. They resented this and built the contradiction into their personality as a psychological defense.
They may misinterpret innocent and well-intentioned advice or suggestions as “control tactics,” which they will fiercely resist. At the same time, they have the ability to detect subtle manipulations and malicious control tactics that others miss. It’s a double-edged sword they live with.
2. Narcissism
Thinking that you are superior to others is a key characteristic of narcissism. Some people go against the grain to prove to themselves and others that they are superior. They become difficult and proud. By thinking and behaving differently from the crowd, they satisfy their needs for originality and uniqueness. This need arose because of a lot of criticism and shame in childhood. Their mask of superiority serves to hide their inner shame.
3. Desire for attention
Something that stands out from the ordinary attracts attention. Our brains are like that. When we see a purple cow, we cannot look away. So it makes sense that those who need attention more than the norm, as well as those who do. Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) may, in contrast, attempt to satisfy this need.
4. Repeating childhood
If there is anyone emotionally neglected as a childthey may develop an abandonment ulcer and believe that:
“Others always ignore me.”
In order to maintain the familiar position of being ignored as adults, they may act in ways that force others to exclude them, such as confrontation, thereby repeating the familiarity of childhood.
5. Independent thinking
There is pure independent thinking. I call it cognitive bias because the previous motivations had a strong emotional component. It has a strong rational component. A person with self-awareness and intelligence knows their values and what is good for them. They may find that their values are out of step with the popular and mainstream. “Normal” does not mean “good”.
Independent thinking and reflexive confrontation
These are two ends of the spectrum. Most conflicts lie in the middle of the spectrum. They probably have a mixture of rational and emotional motivations for conflict. Still, it’s useful to consider what the ends of the spectrum look like.
On the one hand, we have “independent thinkers”. As I mentioned earlier, their reasons for opposing each other, or at least, seem to make perfect sense. They are not trying to satisfy an unmet need from childhood. This thoughtful confrontation is rare because thinking is difficult. It is easier to be an automatic and primarily emotionally driven person. They can be as irrational as someone who blindly follows social norms.
| Size | Independent thinking | Reflexive opposition |
|---|---|---|
| The main direction | Seeking truth | Seeking opposition |
| The main driver | Proof and evidence | Psychological motives (ego, identity, reaction) |
| Flexibility | Adaptable; will be updated with new evidence | Hard; resists changing its position |
| Critical thinking | High; evaluates comprehensively | Chosen; only criticizes the mainstream |
| Attitude to reality | Cares about the truth | Cares about winning or being “different”. |
| A consensus response | Asks questions when necessary | It is against this by default |
| Intellectual honesty | “I was wrong,” he admits | Avoids making mistakes; defends its position |
| Openness to opposing views | High; is seriously engaged | Few; rejects or mocks |
| Self image | Thinker, learner | A rebel, an outsider, a “seeker” |
| Identification application | Low adherence to beliefs | High dependence on confrontation |
| Reaction to being proven wrong | It renews beliefs | Doubles or replaces goalposts |
| Decision making style | Deliberate and analytical | Reactive and oppositional |
| Compatibility across contexts | Contextual (nuanced) | Contrary to many |
| Social behavior | Feel free to agree or disagree | A feeling of resistance arises |
| Orientation to conflict | Not looking for conflicts | Often seeking conflict |
| Purpose in discussions | Accuracy and precision | Dominion or confirmation |
| Emotional regulation | Steady during conflict | Easily triggered or protected |
| Using skepticism | Healthy skepticism | Cynicism or mistrust |
| Field of study | Growth oriented | Ego protection |
| Error correction | Self-correcting over time | Bug amplification |
| Long-term results | Better decisions, reliability | Strained relations, inconsistent accuracy |
| Perception by others | Thoughtful, understandable | Difficult, controversial |
| Relation to uncertainty | Tolerates uncertainty | Seeks confidence through resistance |
| Internal dialogue | “What is the truth here?” | “Why are they wrong?” |
| Default position | Neutral → evaluates later | Resist → then justify |
Socially intelligent confrontation
What I say next is important because I see many people fall into this trap of thinking. Not me because I’m the opposite. (*laughs, then stops remembering childhood traumas*)
You can psychologize contradictions all day and in interesting ways. And you are often right. But the most important thing is the quality of their thoughts, ideas, opinions and arguments. Their ideas should not be reflexively dismissed as trying to satisfy an unmet need from childhood.
“Oh, he’s just trying to get attention.”
Yes, it can be. But did you critically analyze what he said?
Socially intelligent confrontation should be developed because people usually cannot agree with others. Different thoughts and behaviors create cognitive dissonance. They feel threatened and rush to defend their beliefs and identity.
Understanding human nature
People care more about objective truth and rationality than anything else. Things like social cohesion, being valued by others, and power. When two people talk, it’s not a 100% rational discussion between two machines. There are feelings and needs here. One person may want to impress another. Another may be trying to gain power, and so on. If you are a contrarian who wants to get your message across, you need to be aware of these things and work with and with them.
For example, if you have experience with narcissists, you know how they try to “win” in every interaction. It is useless to expect them to show interest in your opinion and arguments. Their desire to win takes center stage in their psyche, and everything else, including objectivity, takes a back seat.
the same for knows everything. If someone thinks they know everything, don’t expect to teach them new things. There is nothing in their minds that they do not know. What you do means nothing to them and nobody wants to teach anything.
Avoid aggression
If you think and behave differently than people, they will think you are “winning” by proving them wrong:
“Oh! So you’re right and we’re wrong? Does that make you feel good?”
Maybe being right makes you think they’re stupid and you enjoy pointing out their wrong ideas and behavior. You probably don’t, and that’s perfectly fine. If you really care that your opposing ideas reach them, you should avoid making others feel stupid.
When you make people look stupid, they may dismiss your arguments and rush to restore their social image by calling you stupid. There’s no point in getting the attack defense cycle because it brings out the worst in people.
Instead, try to disagree peacefully and respectfully. Everyone is on their own intellectual journey. If you do not agree, try to remove all aggression, arrogance and hatred. If you genuinely respect the other person’s intellectual journey, your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions will reflect this. You don’t put others on the defensive, it’s socially smart.
