In my work as a psychologist and sex therapist, I often sit with people who are deeply confused about their lives. attraction to someone else. They say, “I feel so much chemistry” or “I can’t stop thinking about them.” There is a sense of intensity that feels compelling, even magnetic. But along with this intensity, it is often present worrya feeling of uncertainty or imbalance.
What many people are never taught is that not all activations in the body are desires. Sometimes, what feels like attraction actually is nervous system familiar, but not necessarily healthy or safe, registration. We think of desire as something spontaneous and obvious, but desire is shaped by our history, our desire. attachment patterns and the environment in which we are shaped.
If you grew up in a context where love was inconsistent, emotionally distant, or unpredictable, your nervous system may have learned to associate “intensity” with “connection.” When is love? did when it appeared, there was often a feeling that it would not last long, which could lead to attempts to “make the most of it”. Over time, this urgency can be recorded as intensity. Thus, contact and intensity were wrapped together with anxiety.
These are childhood The patterns are often subtle and difficult to name, especially when there is no dysfunction in the home, such as if you grew up with boys. the work-oriented parent. These childhood patterns don’t just disappear as you get older, either. They follow you into adulthood unless they are named and treated. But until that happens, when you meet someone who is a little absent or difficult to read, your body may respond with the same hyperactivity as when you were a child.
Increased activation, which is really a concern, can be like chemistry. An interesting study on the pandemic highlights this. Researchers found that when study participants were more concerned, their sexual desire was higher. But when they are emphasized or depressedwas lower.1 In fact, it may be an enhanced activation pattern recognitionnot a match. People are often caught here. They think that because the attraction to the other person is strong, it must mean something. And he does means something, except that this person is not necessarily “the one”. Because my patients tell me their words, tone of voice and body language This attraction is attractive, but it is also associated with a quiet feeling that something is not right.
“Not true” is an admission of lack of security. If you are constantly worried that the other person will disappear or move away, you will not be able to relax. Anxiety is not the same as desire. But for many people, anxiety and agitation go hand in hand. The body becomes active, attention narrows and the mind begins to organize itself around the other person. This can create a loop that can be addictive and sometimes even addictive.
This loop is not only for emotional attraction but also for sexual attraction. Many people feel strong sexual attraction to inconsistent, unavailable, or destabilizing partners. Intensity in the body can be mistaken for desire, when in fact it may be anxiety, anticipation, or the reactivation of old relationships.
What does justified desire feel like?
A more grounded desire feels different. It may still contain excitement, but it is not instability. There is no such thing as “it can disappear at any moment”. There is room for curiosity rather than urgency. There is a sense of being connected to yourself rather than just focusing on the other person, their actions and what they do or don’t do.
In sex, reasonable desire can look like staying in your body, feeling your own responses, and enjoying yourself without losing sensation. The experience may be less dramatic, but often lasts longer because it does not provoke anxiety or self-abnegation.
How can people experience reasonable desire for themselves? Part of it is slowing down the process and figuring out what the body actually feels. is there a color of fear? Is there a sense of peace or confidence? And then, over time, healing appears not as a single concept, but as repeated moments of noticing, pausing, and beginning to acknowledge the difference between real-time activation and desire.
Questions to ask yourself:
- Do I feel myself around this person?
- Is there room for me to express myself here?
- Do I choose them or react to them?
These questions may seem unfamiliar to you, especially if your system has learned to equate intensity with connectivity. Learning to distinguish between anxiety and desire comes not from trying to cancel out the attraction to the other person, but from learning to stay with oneself long enough for something else to emerge. This does not mean that the attraction to intensity will disappear overnight. No! It took time to develop the shapes and they will take time to loosen up. But with the new realization that anxiety and desire are different, something changes.
If you don’t focus on what someone else is doing or if they exist, and based on your own experience, closeness begins to change. A reasonable desire can grow from there. Research supports this. When partners meet each other’s sexual needs, they report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.2 In particular, it involves listening to and satisfying each other’s sexual needs and desires as much as possible, while respecting the safety of both partners and boundaries.
In other words, sexual satisfaction grows when you feel safe with your partner, without anxiety.
