When I started writing more than a decade ago, I wanted to connect with other authors.
I read books about how important it is to build a network. I also read tips online about how to bond with your peers so you can grow together.
In my experience, this is bad advice.
Out of all the people I’ve connected with and “friended” online, there’s one guy I still talk to.
Everyone else was insincere.
And I don’t blame anyone because that’s the culture we’ve created.
The internet does not reward honesty
Social media used to be a place to connect with people you actually knew. Then Facebook changed the game.
Facebook feed stopped being about your friends and started showing you all kinds of content. It changed everything. Platforms have realized that if they show you content that excites you, you will stay in the app longer.
The goal has shifted from communication to attention. And we all know the formula: Attention is worth money.
It developed quickly. YouTube creators have started optimizing for views. Instagram has become a race to showcase the most perfect, filtered life. TikTok turned everything into a 15-second dopamine hit.
I often hear people say that long-form podcasts are the exception. They think that just because someone talks for three hours, they are “real”.
This is not true. The long form is another way to attract attention.
The business model is the same. The podcast is available for ad sales. A long list of multi-million dollar companies have been built entirely on the back of podcast advertising.
Hosts are rewarded for eyeballs, not honesty. If money is the main indicator, sincerity comes first.
Artists reflect cultural values
It should not be surprising that creators are insincere. They simply respond to the environment. If a culture values attention above all else, creators will do anything to get it.
They are only encouraged to talk to people who help them grow. This is not a moral judgment. This is the reality of how the creative economy works.
Early on, I tried to “network” like everyone else. I quickly realized that most interactions are purely transactional.
People did not want to exchange ideas or talk about the craft of writing. They wanted to know:
- How many subscribers do you have?
- Can you share my link?
- How can I get to where you are?
- Can we work together?
If you don’t play this game, you have no value for them.
I found this out around 2016. That’s when I started the podcast, which was no easy feat. I have had the opportunity to interview famous authors that I admire very much.
It was disappointing. The people I met were nothing like the personalities they projected online.
If you search for my podcastyou see, at some point I stopped doing interviews because it was just about superficial conversations.
There is an old saying: Don’t meet your heroes.
This is 100% true. Often, the person you see on screen is a carefully constructed brand.
Under this brand usually stands a person who is stressed, insecure and prone to transactions, like everyone else.
I’d rather hang out with my “boring” friends who have nothing to sell. To ordinary people. Because no matter how successful I am as a writer, that’s how I see myself.
Sincerity is always a counter-strategy
It sounds cynical, but I’m actually an optimist. Just because most people are playing fake doesn’t mean you should.
There are enough sincere people there. They are not the ones screaming for your attention.
The reason I’m thinking about it now is because I’m working on a new book. This is a collection of letters I am writing to my unborn son. I will write to him every day until he is born, sharing what he needs to know about life.
One of these letters is called “Everyone on the Internet Lies.”
I want him to understand this early. When you know that 99.9% of what you see on social media is fake, you stop comparing yourself to it. You look at social media like you look at a movie or TV show.
You can’t be sad that your life isn’t as perfect as a stranger’s Instagram feed. You won’t feel “behind” because a 22-year-old claims to be a millionaire on YouTube.
You don’t feel bad when you watch a movie, do you?
When you stop searching confirmation from a culture that doesn’t value honesty, you can finally focus on what’s important.
You can focus on your work, your family and your character.
In a world where everyone else is pretending, being yourself is the only way to stand out.
It’s a strategy that probably won’t make you very rich, but it’s the only strategy that will let you sleep at night.
