A mom named Jen told me this week, “My older daughter, Piper, told me she hated me…then two days later she asked me to help her with the rent.” The names have been changed in this example, but the theme is one I hear often coaching parents. This mom said she was pissed at the time, not just because Piper said “I hate you” and then asked for money, but because Piper acted like her outburst never happened.
One of the most painful parenting dynamics
Emotionally sidelining the parents I coach while supporting them financially. This leaves them asking, “Am I being used… or are they struggling?” Most parents land in a quiet, frozen place: “I don’t want to leave them … but it’s not good.” Complicating the situation is that the parents remember this older child when he was young and life was not so complicated.
Many parents tell me that they are overwhelmed with thoughts of their struggling adult children, and many of them lash out in an aggressive way along with their emotions. One of my earlier posts on a related topic, Overthinking is the new startup failure, took a lot attention from readers. It states that when older children, like Piper, whip, they do so out of desperation, shametriggers that lead them into spirals of feeling misunderstood and overthinking.
But when that kid comes back and asks for money, it can feel like a conflict of roles in your brain. You go from being a target to being a safety net—in some cases, almost simultaneously.
This is where parents fall into the trap
In my coaching practice, I see parents usually go in one of two directions. In one case, they are overly forgiving to keep the peace: “Okay… I’ll help. I don’t want to lose them.” This leads to frustration, fatigue and confusion boundaries. And when you help without emotional boundaries, it can inadvertently reinforce a painful pattern. If you’ve seen my other posts, I call this one wearing a “Kick Me” sign.
In the second case, they completely shut him down: “That’s it, I’m done helping.” This often leads to guilt and more distance. And yes, I sometimes see the same parents alternating between the two positions.
There is a third, better way
You don’t have to “choose” between loving your adult child and respecting yourself. It takes both of you to support the relationship. The good news is that you can be kind, supportive, and available without accepting being treated like crap. So you can say, “I care about you and want to support you. And, I’m not okay with talking like that. Let’s reset and talk about what you need and how I can help you.”
The quiet truth
If you’re interested in reading this post, instead of reflexively meeting your child’s needs as an adult, you may benefit from changing the pattern. After all, the last thing you want to be is a SWAT-team-leader parents
In working with families and in my book 10 days to a less resistant child (this applies to ages 4 to 44), I have seen how parent-child relationships can be peacefully fought. In short, even though your child is now an adult, the same patterns may still be showing up – just in more complex ways.
Final Thoughts: If this dynamic sounds familiar
If you’re tired of feeling frustrated, withdrawn, conflicted, or just plain wrong, you’re not alone. There are ways to respond that reduce tension and improve relationships over time. And, sometimes, giving yourself the space to think things through without being judgmental can make all the difference.
