Anxious people try to control uncertainty.
Since many real-life scenarios, especially critical ones, involve irreducible uncertainty, this strategy can break down. But there are clear lessons we can learn to deal with this reality.
This post is for people who:
- Respond to poor results by examining what they should have done differently
- Equate “it went wrong” with “I made a mistake”.
- One way to do this is to over-prepare anxiety management, and if their efforts don’t pay off, you feel betrayed
Let me tell you a story that illustrates common thought patterns and denials.
Here’s what happened: My car’s engine stopped working. Cars are not my forte, but my mechanic neighbor had a spare car that he bought at an auction and was fixing up to sell. I would have to wait a week for him to finish the repair and then I could buy it.
I rented a car for a week and did everything I could to make the process of buying a new one go smoothly, but it didn’t.
Lesson 1: In many situations there is irreversible uncertainty
I tried to control as many variables as possible to get a good result. But, the morning I had to finalize the purchase, my neighbor told me that he found additional problems and he did not consider the car a good purchase for me.
No matter how many variables we try to control and manipulate, it is common to be unable to reduce uncertainty to zero. This is inherent in the confusion of life.
If we accept this fact, it will help us to relax and be more confident in our decisions.
Lesson 2: A bad result doesn’t mean you made bad decisions
I checked with my neighbor midweek to make sure the car looked good. I called the insurance about adding the new car to my policy. I would even book a spare car for an extra week if the repair process takes longer.
In the morning I had to return the rental car, I confirmed with him that the purchase was correct.
None of them guaranteed a good result.
When these things happen, we need to recognize the sound decision making and hard-working behavior can still have bad consequences. The result does not make your decisions wrong in hindsight.
Lesson 3: Losing your concern doesn’t mean you’ve ignored the Red Flag
When the possibility of this car came up, I had my usual anxious thoughts, maybe it would go pear shaped. I guessed, “He’ll probably find something wrong with that lovely car. Of course it happens.”
In the morning we were supposed to close the sale, after he confirmed my worries went away. Someone is applying worry-management thinking, it may sound like that intuition it should have been noticed, but it is reasonable that the concern should have subsided.
It wasn’t “Of course it would be wrong.” It was always possible, but no outcome was certain.
Lesson 4: When a plan goes awry, you can only choose one of the options available at that moment.
Before returning my rental car that was supposed to be returned, I canceled the rental reservation that was reserved for an additional week.
That phone call was when I found out the plan was off because my neighbor wanted to pick me up at the rental place and he didn’t think we should buy the car. That left me out with two kids, no car, and I couldn’t get another reservation at that location. I had to rebook somewhere else on my phone and Uber there.
At that time I could not refund the canceled reservation. I had to make the best new decision.
It was reasonable when I canceled the reservation (an hour before the start time). It would be superfluous to hold it until the last moment, when there was every reason to believe that it would not be necessary.
Lesson 5: Trusting someone else’s judgment is a smart strategy, even if it doesn’t work.
I had many thoughts that I should never trust someone else’s assessment or prediction. But who wants to live like that?
My neighbor said the car is fine. It was legitimate information to act on. His honesty in pulling out the plug confirms this belief, as he could sell lemons.
Lesson 6: It’s not always wise to prepare for any low-probability scenario.
Another self-critical thought that crossed my mind was that I could have spent a week researching alternative cars so I wasn’t back to zero. It might have helped me feel more in control, but in most scenarios it would have been wasted effort.
Contingency planning for things that probably won’t happen is largely based on anxiety. wisdom– managed. The opportunity cost adds up over time.
Lesson 7: You can get emotional
I was a little shaken by this, but then I chose not to let it go breaks my rules or create more stress than it should. After getting the new lease, I did as many of our regular Saturday activities as possible so my kids and I could use that familiarity. emotional regrouping.
Specific examples (preferably your own) reinforce the principles
Many articles about uncertainty are abstract, but most of us do not study it. We need detailed stories with specific psychological moments where common thought patterns emerge and corrections can be applied.
Use my example as a template to create your own examples that make Antidotes the most memorable for you. The best stories to learn from are the ones that successfully convince you to believe your denials.
